HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY GOLDIE GIRL!

How does one get down all the feelings about your baby entering toddlerhood? Honestly not an easy task. It seems impossible to me that you could be turning one already, but here we are cruising through this milestone faster than I can keep up! As usual! I’m going to do my best to get my feelings down for you baby girl!

You came into this world the same way you live your life, with gusto and determination! Your birth story is one for the books and now that I know you outside the womb, it makes a ton more sense! You, my love, were two whole weeks early, and flew into this world quicker than I could even realize what was really happening! And at a whole 8lbs 2oz! (Thanks for coming early 🤪!) 

Here are some sweet moments in slideshow format! Photographs and Slideshow by Carly at Capture Life Photography & Doula Services

When I went to bed on May 14, I had no inkling you’d be joining us just a few short hours later in the very beginning of May 15th, just the same old Braxton Hicks I had been feeling for awhile. They call what happened “precipitous birth”, but the word precipitous means “done suddenly and without careful consideration.” I don’t think that’s quite the right term. Now that I know you, whatever the word may be, the definition should read “done with rapid determination.” Your conception, your birth, lifting your head, crawling, fast crawling, standing, first steps, walking, FAST walking, everything, just everything, you have done with rapid determination. Faster than I can keep up with mentally! You are my own personal marathon!

I have always thought and felt that your brother is an old soul and you are a new soul! You live your life with no time to waste so far and seem to have very little fear attached to your movements. You are so curious and want to keep up with your brother, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me at all that you have hit baby milestones faster!

About your entrance into the world: When I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, things started happening so fast that my denial over what you were signaling to my body was so deep that even though I called the midwife and she said she’s be on her way, I kept thinking there’s no way this could possibly be it! It’s too early. It’s the middle of the night. It’s storming outside. This wasn’t the plan! But you know what they say about making plans!

Not even an hour after I woke up, you came into this world at 2:56am into my own hands, assisted by your Dada and Auntie Kim! It was just the 4 of us (well Oskar was in his crib across the hall, so 5 of us)! The midwives and doula arrived soon after and all was well. Did you plan it that way, Goldie girl? I think you did. 

I put you on my chest and Auntie Kim covered you with a blanket (well pillow case at first because it was the first thing she grabbed on such quick notice! Haha), and you cried almost immediately. I didn’t have a single moment of fear after you were born even though the midwife hadn’t arrived yet, which is surprising to me how I could have been that calm. But I was. I must have been channeling your spirit and energy because it’s not like me to not have nerves! I think you gave that to me because you knew I would need it! 

If there would be a motto for you it would be “let’s do this thing!!!” I have to constantly remind myself to stop saying “Careful Goldie” when you try to climb things or “slow down” when you’re walking so fast I’m afraid you’ll go flying and bonk your head (because it has happened). Anyway, I know letting you figure things out (with supervision) is important to you. You’ve got things to do, people to see, and life to explore!

I am writing this on the eve of your birthday and the emotions are high. I’m an old softy. You knew that. Tonight I took photos of you and me in the bathroom after you had your bath and we put on your PJs. Just you and me on your last night of being a baby. Even though you and Oskar will always be my babies. Toddlerhood comes with its own sweetness and its own struggles, but babyhood is just so so so sweet, despite any struggles. I can’t believe how fast this year seems to have flown. Isn’t that what they always say? I will always remember your tiny little hands and their amazingly tight little grip when we feed you your bottle. How soft your hair is against my chest when we snuggle (when you let me snuggle). How sweet and mischievous your smile is with your cute little dimples! You’re one of a kind, Goldie!

Your first day on this Earth is a day I will never forget. Birth story aside, I felt like I was living a dream that day. You were so small and perfect. A very good sized babe for only 38weeks, yet so so so tiny. When your Auntie Kim brought your brother into the room to meet you, I think my heart melted and grew 5 sizes all at the same time. And talk about a shock – all of a sudden your brother seemed SO BIG! Funny how that is! The midwives, our Doula, Dada, Nana, Oskar, and especially Auntie Kim took very good care of us! Brought us (me) food in bed, made sure I was resting and getting all the skin to skin! Auntie Kim made me the best smoothies too! We also had lots of help when it was time to take our first healing herbs bath. We added extra dried marigolds, of course. We got you all cleaned up, and in your first outfit. Then, I took a little bit of time to take a few newborn photos of you. We laid in bed for hours and I just stared at you. A marvelous magical little thing with dimples like your brother (and Nana) and a full head of dark hair (which is now coming in light!). The following day, we took you out into the sunlight and walked around the backyard for a little “walk” and so you could feel the breeze and hear the birds! As expected it was hard for me to sleep in the beginning weeks because I am a nervous nelly and breastfeeding is challenging, but also because I just couldn’t stop staring at you and marveling about your existence. 

You are amazing and sweet and now you are ONE! We love you, baby girl. Forever my baby girl!

Here you are on your first day and month by month!

I never knew this kind of love until you made me a Mama three years ago, and now on your birthday every year and the days leading up to it, I start to really go within and get emotional as I think about the day you came to be with us on the outside and just how much you’ve grown in the years since. Now with your sissy, I get to experience these emotions of bittersweet happy love tears twice a year.

My little guy, today you are T H R E E ! 3 whole years of you! You aren’t such a little guy anymore and definitely not a toddler anymore! You’re my little boy! This year has held within it so many challenges, yet so so so many milestones and newness for you. You’ve been brave, loving, caring, and happy despite all the unexpected challenges. As any 2-3 year old would be, you’ve also had your moments, but in 2020….who hasn’t!

This year, you’ve learned to TALK TALK TALK! I have a video of you from January telling me in 3 word only sentences that you wanted to leave a store… “Go home vooom-vooom,” you said. Now in December you are speaking in full sentences, telling me about your feelings, counting to 14 (sometimes 16), singing your ABCs, memorizing Jingle Bells and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and telling me about construction/farming vehicles and machines. Things I didn’t know! You’re teaching me!

In March we started to stay home because of this nasty Covid virus. I’m hoping when you’re older you just don’t remember any of it, but in reality, it’s been hard on us both. And the whole family! We went from Montessori, soccer, and community classes with friends and playdates all the time to basically figuring out how to stay busy at home most of the time. You played with A LOT of dirt this year, which you love! Mostly what I’ve gleaned from this experience is just how brave, resilient, and creative you are in your play. I swear you are just as happy to play with dirt, rocks, and cardboard as you are playing with toys. Not to mention, you wear a mask with less complaints than some grown adults!!

In May, you not only became a big brother, but you were in your crib on the other side of our tiny hall when she made her entrance! We’re still not sure if you were awake or not in there, but you stayed quiet until you heard her crying! Watching you become a big brother has been one of the greatest privileges of my lifetime so far! You are the sweetest big brother and always want to check on her or give her a kiss or hug. You are starting to talk to her when you play together. Just today she was sitting on the floor while you were playing peekaboo with a giant box left over from Christmas and you popped out, said “Peekaboo!,” then walked over to her, tilted your head, and said, “isn’t that a fun game, Goldie?” My heart bursts every day watching the two of you together. I can’t even get through this paragraph without tears filling my eyes.

In September we started your potty learning journey as the cool kids call it! You have done remarkably well. I think I was more nervous about starting than you have ever been about the actual experience. It’s just another example of how brave you have been with change in your very young life this year. Change has flown at you at break-neck speed, and you’ve taken it all in stride.

Then in November, you transitioned from your crib to a big boy bed! Once again, you flew through that change with no problems what so ever! Once again, I had no reason to be hesitant, yet I was. These transitions, I feel, were more easy on you than they were on me!

We’ve watched you get excited about holidays for the first time this year, which has been so fun! I think you’ve loved Halloween and Christmas the best so far.

Now for the really mushy stuff, but I’m me, and eventually you’ll expect nothing less. I’ll try not to embarrass you as much when you’re a teenager. Three years ago around this time, you told my body and my midwife, “Hey! It’s go time” with a little blood pressure spike! My midwife sent us to hospital on the afternoon of the 29th, they started inducing me late at night, and the next day (the 30th!) my water broke around 1:30pm and after that you wasted no time! You came, literally, flying out into the tub water at 4:15pm! The midwife missed your entrance, but the nurse and I brought you up to my chest. A perfect baby boy, despite all of my concerns about your two vessel chord! Notice a theme, all my concerns, yet you still doing everything with ease!

You are caring, you are sweet, you are inquisitive and curious, you are high energy but focused, you love learning, you make us laugh daily, you’re a picky eater, a good cleaner and toy picker-upper, you love to sing and make up songs, you are usually seen with some toy vehicle in you hand, and you have a dimpled smile and a twinkle in your eyes that lights up any room you enter.

To the F U L L moon and back tonight, Bubs. My almost New Years Baby!

I love you. Happy Birthday!

Mama

[I’ll add your 1 sec a day video tomorrow!]

Marigold Willa Howard

May 15, 2020

Born at 2:56am at Home

8lbs 2oz, 20.5 inches

Dearest Goldie Girl,

Sometimes it takes me months to put these kinds of words together or for them to pour out so easily. But not with you. For various reasons, I always knew you were in a hurry to get here and be with us on Earth.

I suppose I should go back to last September when we found out you were making your way here. I had not even got to the point of a missed period with you when I thought to myself, hey… I feel a little off/different, maybe I should take a pregnancy test, why not! I saw those two lines start to appear immediately and I stood in silence in the bathroom with my jaw on the floor (the same bathroom where you were born)! I didn’t tell your Dad I was going to take a test, so when that second line appeared, I bugged out! I was in shock. My mind was racing trying to figure out a quick and cute way to tell him the news because there was no way your “wear your heart and facial expressions on your sleeve” Mama was going to be able to keep that a secret from your Dad even for a second. So quickly I rummaged around to try to find my Pregosaurus Rex shirt, found it, put it on, and went downstairs. Then I called your Dad into the kitchen. I just smiled at him and held up the stick and when he saw the shirt he said, “Are you?? Are you really?! Oh my God!” Later he said, “I was wondering why I heard you rummaging around up there!” Ha!

During your time in my tummy, you survived a car accident, a fender bender (both not Mama’s fault I’d like to add), and in the third trimester, our world got turned upside down with the Novel Coronavirus, which made its way to the United States in full swing in early March 2020. If you’re reading this far in the future, look up the history behind your birth year/month. It’s a doozy. I’d be lying if I said this didn’t shake me up in anxiety and worry as many of my birth plans flew out the window.

One day you would hear stories of women in NY having to go to the hospital alone because a support person wasn’t aloud with them. Then you would hear how there wasn’t much known or very little studies done on how the virus affects newborns. Then I hear that the hospital I planned to have you in only allowed one support person in with you (meaning I wouldn’t have had the doula/photographer with me as planned), no water births (also as planned), AND my biggest fear of all, if I tested positive for the Coronavirus (all admitted women were/are advised to be tested), you and I would have to be (or very strongly advised to be) separated for possibly 2 weeks. There was no way I would allow that. There were so many uncertainties and so many scary scenarios in my mind about going to the hospital for your birth, not to mention putting us both more at risk for exposure, that I decided to research and think about the possibility of hiring a home birth midwife.

I was induced at the hospital with your brother because of high blood pressure at the end of my pregnancy with him. That brought him into the world a little earlier than we all expected (37w 5days). However, I knew and was told that even though I had a slightly higher chance of that happening again, it could also not happen. Luckily, it did not. My blood pressure stayed normal with you your whole pregnancy. Besides all the other scary things, my whole pregnancy was very normal with you and I was low risk. I knew that there were also other reasons I could still end up being transferred to the hospital either before labor started or after and those thoughts did give me pause, but in this situation with the state of the world as it is (was), I followed my gut. I trusted that we were in good hands, and I asked my midwife at the hospital for a recommendation for a home birth midwife and they were supportive of my decision, which was unexpected. I also talked to a few women in the community who have had home births and got recommendations from them as well.

I called up a few midwives and spoke to a handful of them. When I spoke to Nicole White after another midwife recommended her, I was happy to hear she still had openings to take on another May client. Just from speaking to her, I knew I would be in good hands. I also knew home birth midwives schedules were quickly filling up because I wasn’t the only woman making this change at this time. I feel lucky that I was able to make this switch and feel good about it (Thank you, Nicole)!

There were definitely days when I second guessed myself and had my doubts as nothing with birth is certain, even in normal circumstances. However, I did my best to stay calm, not read the news, not over plan, not google too much, and stay excited about your entrance into the world! I took the time to visualize your birth everyday and I know we had friends and family doing the same for us from afar, whether it be in the form of a prayer, good thoughts, or visualizations. We had great support in different forms the whole way through.

When the virus started to spread here in Michigan, I started to get nervous about how this was all going to affect my postpartum plans as well. At the time, my immediate postpartum support team and childcare team for your brother (your Papa and Nana and Aunt Kim) were still in Houston and Seattle, respectively. They had both originally planned to arrive the week before May 9th when we scheduled to have a baby shower for you. One that never ended up happening. However, now that there was a scary virus floating around, traveling to MI started to look more scary and complicated. Papa and Nana now live in MI during the summers, so eventually, they decided to get to MI (by car with pups Thelma and Louise) a couple weeks before planned, so they could properly quarantine themselves for two weeks after travel. Then, they moved in with us for two weeks after that so your Aunt Kim could travel here from Seattle, by plane, and properly quarantine herself for 2 weeks at Papa and Nana’s house (during her birthday, I should add)! All so they could safely be with me and you (and Dad) when you arrived in this world. All to give us extra support and care after you were born. We are lucky ducks to have them.

After your Aunt Kim’s two weeks of quarantine were up, she moved in with us and Papa and Nana moved back to their house. Aunt Kim has been with us since and will be here until June 12th! She has been so helpful with your brother and making sure we are being well fed on the daily! She’s the best! Papa and Nana and other family members have also been very helpful too, either in person or from afar. Our original plan for when I started to go into labor with you was for Nana to come pick up your brother and Aunt Kim (and Sneakers, our pup) and then they would hang out up there at Nana and Papa’s house for a few days. This plan was made thinking we would have plenty of time to execute said plan. Well, we did not.

This is where the story starts to pick up a little.

Well, on the evening of May 14th, the eve of your 38 weeks gestation day, I went to bed feeling what I thought were the same old Braxton Hicks contractions I had been having for months. I did mention to your Dad that they seemed to be coming more often and with some sort of pattern, but I didn’t think much of it. I went to bed thinking, wow, we’ve made it to 38 weeks! 2 days longer than we made it with your brother! I had planned to take another bump picture that day and everything. Haha!

You had different plans. I had a feeling your whole pregnancy that you would probably come a little early, but I didn’t expect to be two whole weeks early! Since I didn’t go into natural labor with your brother, I had nothing to go off of. I wasn’t even sure what to expect natural labor to feel like in its beginning stages.

Anyway, like I said, I went to bed not thinking much of the Braxton Hicks I was having and was able to fall asleep. Thank goodness for those couple hours of sleep. Around 1:55am on May 15th, I woke up to the familiar feeling of having to pee. Once again, nothing out of the ordinary! Once I did that, I stood up again and felt like I had to pee again but instead of being able to hold it, some trickled down my leg. In my mind I thought, “That’s odd! Did I just pee myself a little?” Then literally a minute later I started feeling cramping. This was my first 5 minutes of denial after trying to get back in bed, only to walk to the bed and start to feel the cramping again not even two minutes later. As I stood back up, more liquid trickled down my legs and when I got to the bathroom again, I wiped a little up from the floor and realized it was probably my water breaking and not pee. BUT I was still in denial even about my water breaking! Since it didn’t happen like when your brother’s water broke, I guess I still wasn’t 100% sure. At this point I figured I’d just take a bath to see if the warm water helped with the cramps. It did not. They kept coming every few minutes.

At that point I figured, what the heck and downloaded a contraction counter app on my phone so I could time them. (Just so you have an idea of the timeline, this was probably only 10 minutes after I woke up). When I got in the tub, the contractions started to get very real and uncomfortable and after about 5 contractions, the app popped up with a message saying, “Time to go to the hospital!” I stared at that message for about a minute, shot out of the tub, woke up your Dad and told him to get moving on “the plan” because I’m probably in labor. Maybe.

After another contraction ended, I called my midwife and basically told her my contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart, and me still being in semi-denial, I told her that I wasn’t 100 percent sure this was it, but the contractions were starting to get painful! Hahaha. She told me she was going to be on her way anyway because she knew my history. My induction with Oskar was also very fast for an induction and the midwife at the hospital missed his birth. His birth was nurse assisted.

Nicole (our midwife) lives half an hour away, so she thought ahead and called one of the other midwives who lives in the same city as me to come as back up. This midwife, Stacia, happened to be one of the other midwives I talked to on the phone when looking for a home birth midwife. She also told me to remember to call my doula. I called my doula and told her the same deal. Still way in denial about how far along I was, but she said she would start making her way over too.

Once I got off the phone, I heard your Dad moving around furniture in the room where we were supposed to blow up the birthing pool. I was shouting orders at him from the bathroom between contractions. “Remember to put the other sheets on the bed with the protector on it! Roll up the rug! Remember the birthing tub needs to be wiped down with disinfectant and the liner needs to be put on before you blow it up all the way!” Your Dad had woken your Aunt Kim up to let her know what was going on. Turns out she was up anyway because there was a centipede crawling around in the room where she was sleeping! Haha! She wasn’t about to sleep until she took care of that!

At that point the pain had gotten pretty bad, but with my high pain tolerance, I was still walking around between contractions doing stuff like trying to put my hair up, put a little makeup on, and texting Aunt Kim and Dad Oskar’s to-go bag list so they could start packing a bag for him for Nana and Papa’s house. Aunt Kim asked why I was putting on makeup and I said “I dunno, I feel naked without it!” She’s said, “you’re already mostly naked!” Ha! Anyway, in my mind I still had hours! HOURS! This was maybe around 2:35- 2:45am.

It wasn’t long after my half hour of denial that I starting feeling some familiar pains. I finally told Andy to forget the blow up birthing tub and to quickly fill up our tub in the bathroom. As the water was starting to fill up, I got back in the tub to ride out more contractions. After a couple minutes I felt that familiar can’t-control-it-anymore pushy feeling I felt when I was close to delivering Oskar. This had me tweaked out a little. I sent a text to my doula saying “It’s definitely the real deal, I’m feeling pushy!” She later told me she was already driving here when she got that text and was surprised I could even send a text at that point! I’m not sure how I was still doing that either. In my mind I was just thinking all was fine and I’ll just breathe through it and try to control the pushes. I also knew Nicole was on the way and had called for backup. Oh, did I forget to mention that it was storming out! Rain! Thunder! Lightening! The whole thing. My birth team all had to make their way to our house in crazy weather in the middle of the night! That certainly wasn’t in any of my visualizations. More on being born during a storm later!

At some point (and I have no idea how long I was in the tub or what time I got out), but I felt the need to poop (hahaha…yes I’m human) so I figured I better get myself out of the tub. Your Dad told me he helped me out of the tub. As soon as I stood up and got out of the tub, I realized it wasn’t poop that I was feeling, it was your head crowning. I don’t remember this well, and I’m sure I was making crazy noises, but as soon as I felt your head I shouted, “It’s happening now! She’s coming now!” I was hovering over/near the toilet which is right next to the bathtub. Your Dad was right there next to me. Aunt Kim was downstairs putting dog food in a bag and doing her best to get the to go bag ready. As soon as she heard me say “She’s coming now,” she ran upstairs quick, saw what was happening, grabbed the first thing she could find out of our linen closet, which happened to be a flannel pillow case. We had a good laugh about this after the fact. Then I said, “Just don’t let me drop her! Help me catch her!” I kept my hands down there because when I had your brother, I didn’t know to keep my hands down there and it was my greatest wish to deliver and pull you up with my own hands since I missed that chance just barely with your brother.

With the next surge, I felt my body push you out with one or maybe two big pushes. That memory is fuzzy. Your head came out, then your body followed swiftly after! I caught you under your arms and your Dad and Aunt Kim made sure you didn’t fall. We all were holding one part of your body to protect you. All we had to do was unwrap the cord from around one of your legs and I immediately put you up to my chest. It was 2:56am! Born into the world in the smallest room in our house! Your labor was just about 50 minutes long. 50 minutes! Who would have thought. Your Dad helped me back into the tub and when there was a little more water, I laid down with you on top of my chest and we covered you with the pillow case (but don’t worry, we got the previously prepared receiving blankets after that). You made a cry noise and I could see you breathing. Your color looked good so I knew we were okay. I just sat there staring at you in disbelief in how fast that all happened! I also told your Dad to take some pictures!!! Even though we missed out on my visualized water birth, I can’t believe how amazing it was to welcome you with my own two hands and the fact that it was just you, me, your Dad, and Aunt Kim was pretty freaking amazing. Once again, I gave birth without a midwife in attendance! I’m starting to get a reputation around town! Haha, kidding. [Here is Oskar’s Birth Story]

Here is our first photo together

About 5-10 minutes later, everyone started to show up. Midwives Nicole and Stacia and then our Doula/Photographer Carly. I can’t believe the timing! It was no ones fault that they missed it, but had you waited just 10 minutes, you would have had a midwife there! But that’s not how you chose your entrance to be! I keep thinking that if this Global Pandemic never happened and I stuck with hospital care for your birth, I never even would have made it to the hospital! You could have been born in the car or an ambulance or in front of a bunch of EMTs! Who knows!

We are all not sure what time Oskar woke up or what he heard, but he stayed quiet in his crib until he heard you cry! Then Aunt Kim went in to get him in his room across the upstairs hall and when he came out he looked at you and me in the tub and he said, “baby!” Aunt Kim kept him busy as he didn’t go back to sleep until later that morning. He did so well with everything that happened since he was way more involved than I thought he may be. I’m glad I prepped him a little by showing him some birth videos beforehand and explaining to him that Mama has to do that soon but it’s normal and how we bring babies to Earth and Mama will be safe. Two year olds understand so much more than we give them credit for and if other situations did not teach me that, this one definitely did.

When Nicole arrived, I was still in the tub with you and I asked her to help me to deliver the placenta. Always a good time. She guided and instructed me, and with another push, out it came. We kept you attached to the placenta for awhile and while Nicole was helping me out of the tub and to the bed, your Dad held you. The rest of that night/morning was a blur, but I had such a great team helping me. The midwives made sure I was okay by checking me out, making sure I was fed, making sure I was drinking a ton of water, instructing your Dad not to let me get out of bed without assistance for the first couple days, and all the things!

Carly our doula/photographer took a ton of beautiful photos of us in these early hours and I am excited to share the slideshow she made for us. I love how she captured not only us and the quiet moments, but also all of our surroundings as chaos whipped through the upstairs of our house before you were born. I am a ball of tears every time I watch.

Here is a link to her work and services: http://www.a2doulatog.com/

[Music Credit: The Greatest Gift – Sufjan Stevens & Forever Young – Bob Dylan]

Soon after getting in bed, we breastfed for the first time and you had a very strong latch! You must have been ravenous! Nicole then checked you out, made sure you were well and doing all the normal newborn things. She weighed you, measured you, and gave you a little pep talk! It was very cute.

Your brother and Aunt Kim then came in to formally meet you. My heart grew so many sizes in that moment! It was amazing to see you two together for the first time. I have no words for that feeling, just love. We all sang Happy Birthday to you as your brother wiggled around on the bed. What a special moment in time that I will treasure forever.

After we were all taken care of and snuggled in bed, the midwives and Carly made sure we didn’t have any other questions or concerns and went on their way. It felt like they were only there for an hour in my head, but by the time they left, the birds were already starting to chirp! Time flew. You seemed content after having some milk and we swaddled you up for your first bassinet snooze. I, of course, was supposed to be sleeping, but the adrenaline in my body kept me up just staring at you! Now having experience with both hospital birth and home birth, it was amazing to just be in our own bed experiencing the first day or so with you snuggled in the comfort of our own home. I am so happy I went with my gut and decided on home birth. I heard from one of the midwife accounts I follow on Instagram that because of the pandemic, 2020 will most likely have the highest number of home births on record since the early 1900s. I hope this year has proven the importance of home birth midwives in our country to low risk pregnant women.

Around 7:30/8am, we started calling family to tell them about your swift arrival! I had what they call precipitous labor, meaning your labor was less than 3 hours. They were all shocked, excited, and amazed! I keep thinking about how women always say you will forget the pain of labor and birth. I wouldn’t say that saying is entirely true as I remember your brothers labor as quite painful. BUT, yours happened so fast, I can barely even remember how everything went down exactly, let alone any pain. Good job, baby girl! I checked with your Dad and Aunt Kim and I think I got my timeline pretty straight with your story.

Here are a couple photos of our herbal bath on your birthday. I added extra dried marigold flowers for you. Marigolds have a ton of healing properties.

A few days after your birth, I was curious to know what the internet has to say about going into labor during a thunderstorm. This is what I found:

“Barometric pressure is also known as atmospheric pressure and refers to the weight of particles in the air above the Earth. Days with high barometric pressure tend to be sunny, whereas low barometric pressure occurs during stormy weather. Since barometric pressure impacts the tides, and humans are largely made up of water, it makes sense that changes in barometric pressure that occur during extreme weather could also affect our watery human bodies. This may be especially true during pregnancy when the uterus is stretched and filled with amniotic fluid. Essentially, the amniotic sac is a water balloon and when pressure on that balloon lowers there’s an increased chance it will pop — AKA Spontaneous Rupture Of Membranes.”

Source: https://blog.everymothercounts.org/storm-babies-e0cdbf2872ac

I still can’t believe your entrance into the world, but you were always meant to be with us and you knew that. I’m guessing you knew how you wanted to come too. You just wanted to get here as fast as you possibly could. We love that about you. We are so happy you are here with us and we love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Your Mama

P.S. – I’ll try to add some more video clips very soon!

A special thanks to my wonderful husband, my awesome sister, and these badass ladies: Midwives Nicole White and Stacia Proefrock, and Doula/Photographer Carly Montgomery. Thank you again for driving through the storm in the middle of the night to get to us and for everything else! I am eternally grateful for it all.

Happy 1st Birthday to my little man!

One year ago today at approximately 4:15pm, you made me a mama and I am forever grateful, thankful, and still amazed by the fact that your soul picked mine and dadas to share time and space with. These photos seem like memories that happened many moons ago, but they also feel like a fresh memory like it was just yesterday. For the last week or so I have had random flashes of memory float across my mind from your first moments on Earth, like how I must have spent at least 3 hours combined rubbing my lips over your impossibly silken hair (how is it possible that anything on Earth could feel that soft and magical) left to right, left to right like I was trying to read you through your head.

How I just stared at you and studied you for as long as I could instead of trying to sleep.

How you dove into this world with purpose (in true Independent Oskar fashion) and didn’t make us wait very long to meet you, despite the midwives and nurses telling me inductions can sometimes take days. You must have just been ready anyway. I was certainly uncomfortable enough.

How the midwife proclaimed that your chord was strong and healthy (right after dada cut it) despite having only two vessels and not three like normal and how that gave me such relief after you arrived. This was something I stressed about the whole pregnancy after finding out. Maybe that is what spiked my blood pressure at the end and lead to your induction (we will never know), but either way, you were ready.

How I felt the first time you revealed your dimples to me and how we got that on video by some magic. Video is in your birth story post.

How a nurse came into our recovery room at 3am after I was finally able to doze off a little and woke me up then asked me to wake up your dad (who was very confused and wasn’t able to form intelligible words yet as he must have been in a very deep state of sleep) and discuss circumcision with her (in full detail, pros and cons and the whole thing) despite already having made a choice (and having told them of said choice in advance) in the middle of the night after I had just done the most painful and exhausting thing of my life not even 12 hours before (could we not have done this the night before? Gotta love hospital protocol.)

How my first shower felt (amazing).

How powerful I felt when you entered the world.

How thankful I felt to birth the way I wanted to (no epidural and choice to move freely) despite a few bumps in the road and much anxiety.

How the “lactation consultants” and pediatricians tried to help me handle the fact that you were technically early term and freaked me out right away by strongly suggesting I needed to supplement our breastfeeding with formula because they were worried about your initial weight drop and all the questions I’ve had in my head since then about how I think that was the main culprit for my low supply and our 4 month long struggle.

How your dada did skin to skin for hours too as we had to stay an extra day at the hospital so they could monitor me. Seeing you on his chest covered in my favorite furry blanket on New Year’s Eve with a bright snowy day in the background and how magical that scene felt and still feels in my mind.

How incredibly swollen my hands and feet were from the fluids via the IV and the relief of having that dang thing finally taken out.

How I couldn’t stop staring at you in wonder (and still do).

Going further in time and reflecting on your first year —

How I have written a postpartum blog post and still haven’t had the guts to share it because it still feels so raw and scattered, unlike your birth story which somehow poured out of me.

How becoming a mom has changed me in ways that nothing in life before children can prepare you for.

How truly important sleep really is.

How watching you grow and develop so fast has been the most amazing, yet hardest thing as every day you are further away from your little baby self than the last.

How every now and then I’ll get little glimpses into your adult self and personality and remind myself to slow down and just be and observe you.

How I love you so very much it hurts.

For better or worse, kiddo, I wear my heart and my words on my sleeve and feel emotion on a level beyond what is probably normal. I hope someday you enjoy seeing and reading about the journey we took on your first year around the sun and beyond and don’t feel like I’ve shared too much with the world.

Here you are, month by month.

[Part of this blog post I have already written in an Instagram post, but I have been adding to it over the past (almost) 2 months. I jump around chronologically a bit because that is how my memory of the event is in my head. Also, the times I give in the story are probably not 100% accurate, as I was not exactly watching a clock. Hahaha!]

This is Oskar’s Birth Story

I felt like I had been run over by some sort of automobile, and did for a solid week, maybe more, but at the same time felt like I had just done the most badass thing a human could do on this Earth. Oskar was a water-birth, born in a tub at the University of Michigan Von Voigtlander Woman’s Hospital, Floor 9 Room 14. This was the way I had wished it to go my whole pregnancy, even though not EVERYTHING went as planned and wished (because it almost never does).


One major wish that was squashed was that I had to be induced. On Friday, December 29th, I went to my checkup with Andy because he was off work for the holidays (so thankful…what timing). For the previous two weeks before that, my blood pressure started to rise a little. My BP was completely normal previously during pregnancy. I knew induction was in the realm of possibility because of this, even after we had ruled out preeclampsia.
On that Friday when I got a second BP reading that was high enough for concern, my midwife convinced me that induction was the thing that needed to happen in order to make sure both baby and I were safe. That day I was at 37 weeks, and 4 days pregnant. At first, we discussed me being closely monitored with non-stress tests for at least another week to see if maybe he would come on his own in that time, but after the second or third BP reading she took in the room, I looked at her face and I could tell she was very concerned. I did not really understand how big a deal 3rd Trimester Gestational Hypertension was until after the fact because I was actively trying not to freak myself out. I said to her (someone I really trust), “If this was you in my position, would you induce tonight?” She replied, “Yes, most definitely.”
I cried. I was scared. I was so happy Andy was there with me. My midwife talked me down from my Pitocin fear and was so sweet and caring, but probably relieved that I had decided to just do it.
After the decision was made, we made a plan, and she told Andy and I that we did not need to go straight to the hospital. She told us to go have our last date as non-parents and to get to the hospital around 4 pm or so. I was shaking in my boots when I walked out of the clinic, grabbed Andy’s hand and told him how nervous I was. He was just as nervous. We got to the car, told our family the plan, and went off to have a really nice lunch at the same place we went for our first-anniversary dinner. I am so thankful for that lunch and the little bit of downtime we had before we had to go home and later collect our bags and head to the hospital. I was also able to take a bath, paint my nails [win!], and take one last pregnancy photo of myself in the mirror (stretch marks galore, puffy everything, and an anxiety-ridden face). A non-rushed situation for heading to the hospital is one perk of induction, I guess!




That whole afternoon, however, I had to dig down really deep to keep my fears at bay while also dealing with my mama bear instincts to get the baby out as soon and safely as possible. As nervous and anxious as I was about Pitocin and all the other scary induction stuff, I knew the best thing I could do for myself on Friday before arriving at the hospital was to review all the good stories I had read about painkiller and epidural-free birth. I was still adamant about trying to go without pain meds or an epidural. I looked over images of women that have gone before and read a few snippets on pages such as Birth Without Fear with all types of birth stories to remind myself I am no different and I CAN DO IT, DAMN IT! No matter how it all ended up going down in the end.
Well, we got to the hospital as instructed at around 4:30 pm on the 29th. I was convinced I would have a multi-day labor like my midwife told me might be possible for first-time moms. My guess was that he would arrive on the 31st or 1st at that point. They hooked me up to an IV and started a foley bulb at around 10 pm after finally getting me settled into a room with a tub, which we waited almost two hours for. [Worth it!] We also decided on one small dose of oral Cervidil called Cytotec. These two things definitely started very small contractions (not sure which one), but nothing too out of the realm of bad menstrual cramps. Things seemed to be moving slowly overnight. My body was being pumped with fluids through the IV and my hands and feet started to swell like they have never been swollen before. I only have two photos from labor and that is one I took of the baby stuff ready for Oskar and one of Andy rubbing my very swollen feet in the dark at 4:04 am on December 30th, according to the time capture on my phone.


After laboring through the night of the 29th, they started Oxytocin (Pitocin) very early in the morning of the 30th to get things moving. They started me out at a level 2 and then every hour or so they would come in, check on me, do the whole BP and temperature bit, and dial the Pit up at a rate of 2 every time. I tried getting in the tub around 7 or 8 am to relax, but after being in there for awhile, I think it was just slowing things down or not really helping. I was too comfortable! Haha! After that, I got out of the tub and waddled around the room and rolled around on the birthing ball. My mom and sister arrived mid-morning and did a good job distracting me by watching movies through the contractions. The contractions at that point were still semi-irregular and medium to rough on the pain scale. Nothing I could not handle yet and still had not even thought about pain meds.
Around 2 pm, we were part of the way through watching Frozen (and yes my sister made “Let it Go” jokes) and I felt like I had to pee. So up I went and waddled to the bathroom. Then, I sat down on the toilet, did my thing, and a moment later, my water broke! I was so shocked and at first and did not really understand what just happened. All I knew was that what just happened was not pee because it was more like a huge gush of fluid. I figured it out pretty quick and told the nurse. She checked the fluid and sure enough, that was exactly what it was! Turns out all I needed was a little Frozen!
After my water broke I was at about Pit level 10 and checked to be at about 6 cm dilated. At this point, I was transitioning, as they say, into painful active labor with very frequent contractions. Things were speeding up at a very rapid rate. Interesting to think back and realize that getting to 6 cm, although seemingly slow, (which now I have learned was not that slow at all for induction) was not too painful at all.
When the contractions started to get more intense, I decided it was time to get back in the tub. This is also when everything got a little blurry in my memory because I felt that with every contraction, I had to mentally check out and go into zen mode. Almost as if I was leaving my body, going to a different place, and returning every time I got a break in contractions. I guess that is how I was handling the pain up to that point.
When the pain started to get really bad, it had gone down to my thighs. My legs felt like they were burning so bad, like the worst possible Charlie Horse you could ever have in both legs at the same time (x 100), over and over every 1 minute or so. I had no idea leg labor was a thing until I was in the thick of it and the nurse told me that is normal for some women. I later looked this up, and sure enough, it is a thing. All the while, I was trying to do the low humming noise the hypnobirthing videos teach you to do, but I am pretty sure in reality I was just screaming at the top of my lungs every time a big one hit and the whole birthing unit could hear me. Maybe even the extraterrestrials on Mars.
At this point, I was up to Pit level 12. I am not sure when that happened exactly, maybe right after my water broke and they checked my cervix.
I was yelling to the nurse (she was the best, by the way, thank goodness) that my body had started pushing and I was having trouble controlling it. I kept telling her this over and over at every contraction, which were coming at a fast and furious rate now. I was not getting much of a break in between contractions at this point at all. Just constant hellish pain like you would not believe. At the same time, the pain in my back and legs were also excruciating, especially the legs.
While my contractions were getting closer and closer together, the midwife finally came in and checked me after the nurse told her I felt that I needed to push and was screaming that I was involuntarily pushing already.
The midwife told me I would push for at least 2-3 hours after she checked me, so she left to attend to other ladies (apparently there were a lot of tax credit babies being born the 30th and 31st, not to mention a full moon brewing in the sky). The midwife had her hands full. When she told me it might be about 2-3 hours, I remember thinking that if I had to do this for another 2-3 hours, I might not make it. I was in more pain than I could have ever imagined. It felt like my body was splitting in two and I started thinking about how stupid I was for not considering pain medication.
[Story aside: I wanted to write out his birth story as soon as I could as to remember these little details. It is important because as other ladies will tell you, you tend to forget the pain as time moves on. I think remembering it, acknowledging it, and honoring it are very important. It is one of life’s most intense and mysterious moments, for the good and for the painful.]
Before she left the tub room and after checking me, she told me he was a tad stuck and that changing to my knees or feet would help. So I did! Up I went hovering slightly over the water! I kept screaming that I could not control my urge to push but the midwife went off to another room thinking it would still be awhile for me. However, she did tell me to go ahead and do what I felt my body needed to do at that point because I was at about 9.5 cm dilated. SO, I just did…full steam ahead. I remember asking the nurse at some point, “I’m guessing it is way too late to consider pain meds?” She kindly nodded her head and said, yes, “but you can do it.” (She knew my plan and even though I was not able to have a doula in the end, she was a rockstar nurse. I am so thankful for Sam at U of M Labor and Delivery! Nurses deserve all the praise, thanks, and medals.)
Andy kept chanting those words to me too! “You’ve got this, you can do it!” He was right next to me the whole time and was great! I think I was pretty good and only told him off in the heat of the pain a couple of times (like I said, I was not really in my head), but you will have to ask him!
Just a few minutes later, I felt that ring of fire pain people speak of (cue Johnny Cash song). I reached down and low and behold, felt his head.
In my mind, from the videos I watched and things I have read, that meant I still had a lot more work to do (his shoulders, etc.) and needed to push with every ounce of strength I had left in me. Which was not really an option as my body was doing it already. I yelled out, “I feel his head!!” Nurse Sam then went into emergency mode! My mom and sister had JUST gotten back from finding some food in another part of the hospital. They left because they thought they would have plenty of time, based on what the midwife told us prior.
My sister was on the phone with my dad while walking into the room and telling him what the midwife had told her and my mom, then immediately hung up when she heard the midwife yelling “Second Nurse! Second Nurse! NO CALL THE MIDWIFE!!” [This was what I was told happened after the fact because I really only remember a little bit of how it went down at this point.] Nurse Sam quickly told my mom to hit the red button on the wall for immediate assistance. My body was not going to wait for that assistance though!
One giant push after that, surprising just about everyone (including myself), out came Oskar with full mighty force, right into the water. Such swiftness and timing! This must have been only a couple pushes after I felt his head. I picked him up from in the water IMMEDIATELY with help from Nurse Sam, sat down, and we placed him on my chest and I cried and gazed at him in shock and amazement. I think I was more in shock than crying!
I did it. No pain meds! No epidural! Not that I really had a choice with how fast labor went after 6 cm. I could not believe what had just happened! There he was, crying a really strong cry and vernix galore!
The midwife literally missed the delivery by just minutes and I delivered him with just Andy and the nurse in the tub room with me and my mom and sister standing right outside that room! Thankfully they did not miss it, but it was a close one! We later found out it was Nurse Sam’s first solo birth! That is a pretty cool story in itself!
Technically speaking, however, no one really “caught him” as he came out, but she and I grabbed him with an incredibly fast instinct to get him out of the water since he was technically born right above the water.
Luckily, he was okay and all was well as he was still attached to the placenta via his chord. [Also to note, he did not drop very far, and the water protected him from hitting his head or any body part in the descend.]
The only part of my birth that was traumatic for me, even post-birth as I look back on it, was the fact that no one guided him out. Not even me because I thought we had more time, as I was told. I am being hard on myself here because I did not think it would happen fast quite like it did and it was not my fault there was not a midwife present at that very moment. However, I so so so so wish that I could have known to reach down and deliver him by pulling him up directly from his exit.
Actual note by the midwife on my hospitalization report :
Called urgently to room. Upon arrival RN delivering baby in tub with mother in a standing position. Infant directly to mother and both seated in tub. After 5-10 minutes cord clamped and cut and mother and baby assisted from tub to bed.
Then it goes on to talk about the placenta, his two vessel chord (which was surprisingly good size), and tearing, but I’ll spare you those particular details.

 
I thank all the women in my mama circle and other ladies on Instagram and other hidden gem-type places on the internet for sharing their positive stories and rough stories with me. Going in, I truly felt empowered knowing that no matter how it happens, birth is BIRTH! It is amazing and every type of birth is legit and real. My story is in no way to glorify water birth or pain med free birth over other types of birth, but to help other women know that no matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts like hell physically, emotionally, or both, your story is amazing and you are Woman! Hear you ROAR! (I know many people on the 9th floor of the University of Michigan Von Voigtlander Woman’s Hospital heard me roar! Hahahahaha!) Power to the ladies! We rock! You can do it! Birth without fear!

Here is a good mantra to leave you with if you are pregnant and about to go through your own birth experience. It has also helped me in the postpartum days too.
Sky above me, Earth below me, Fire within me.
Welcome to the world, Oskar Clemens.

12.30.17 4:15 pm 7lbs 5.6oz, 19.75 inches long, 13.5 inches head circumference

Day 2 – New Year’s Eve 2017-2018